To make sure this post doesn't find it's way through the grapevine and to the wrong reader (there is, as such, only one really) I will be general. I'm not single anymore, and I am in love with the person I am with. This isn't the first time she and I are dating and I assume that by now you know who it is.
We can't be public about our relationship (public= changing our status on facebook) for a while to avoid any scrutiny for her and I, and I accept that heartedly. Besides, think of it this way, before facebook, you would have to actually ask me if I'm dating someone, and if you did I would tell you yes, unless you are the one person who is not supposed to know.
Person who is not supposed to know, you aren't supposed to know because I don't have what everyone around you is after. You have fallen into that trap and you should realize that you are aiming in the wrong direction. The object of being in a relationship is for both people to be happy, the object of them being together in the first place is because they make each other happy. You apparently don't see that. I wish you could.
I love this girl. I seriously do. But, as with Romeo and Juliet, the tree of forbidden love bears the sweetest fruit. We are already looking ahead, moving away from here and what we are going to do with our lives. We are even looking at the mundane daily tasks (romantic things like playing rock-paper-scissors over who will pay that month's car insurance and what the person who doesn't will do with the money they aren't spending on car insurance)
I don't believe in love at first sight. I believe in the STRANGEST feeling in the fucking world overcoming you when you first meet them. It felt like someday she was going to kill me and then she became my friend. Then as time wore on I realized she wasn't going to kill me, but do the opposite. She was enlivening me, making me feel ways I had never felt before. I fought everything I felt and kept myself from dating her because I was afraid, I was terrified and then one night over facebook chat I told her.
I remember her response.
"Goddamn it Owen, why didn't you tell me sooner?!"
Once I realized that the feeling was mutual, the floodgates opened. I had to spend that part of our relationship explaining that I always loved her, because I did.
Being with someone like that, They end up being your translator, feelings you felt on this certain day that couldn't be described suddenly have not only description, but meaning. You find yourself slapping yourself on the forehead because then you have to transmit this wonderful feeling into words...and then you fall short.
Love is so quickly thrown around, the word, and in some cases, the physical act of.
I am so pissed at myself, because I am telling her I love her the same way I have ever told a girl I loved that I loved them. I hate myself that I fell victim to using love outside of it's context.
I have to find a way to tell her that not only is this feeling different, but in a good (good?! in a fucking fantastically good) way.
The love I feel for her is so far beyond the love I've felt for anyone before that I'm totally unsure of what I should do. She has the most level head of the two of us, so I'll listen to her. :D
Lyubov' Moya, you know who you are,
I love you.
Sunday, October 24, 2010
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
ALRIGHT
So, I figured I would actually rant about something.
Enough of my personal issues right?
DONKS.
Fun to say. not fun to look at.
For those not in the know, it's the opposite of a lowrider.
Take a 1989 Chevrolet Caprice. Kind of a gas guzzler.
+4 22" rims
+4 low profile tires
+1 idiotic paintjob in some obscure color.
+999,999,999,999 speakers
+2 Subwoofers
+1 shitty rap Cd, blasted at all times, even when there is a risk of disturbing the peace.
ALRIGHT. You get the point.
now get mine
WHAT
THE
FUCK
ARE
YOU DOING
TO
THESE ....
CARS!?!?!?!
It's a fucking luxury automobile! Putting obnoxiously huge rims (which, by the way, you have to shine 24/7 and probably cost more than the car,) filling the trunk with speakers and painting it the national colors of Jamaica will do what for you?
The ride is shit because after 2 inches of travel your low profile tires will rub your arches, and if you do it...oh I hesitate to say..."Right" you will tub your wheels out and make the car look fucking ridiculous, as if it doesn't already.
I saw a video, I posted it recently on Facebook, These guys donked out a pristine black 1995 Oldsmobile Cutlass Supreme SL.
(Owen owns a 1995 Cutlass Supreme SL, almost all stock, rims and tires, starter motor, random accessories from a 1992. Nicknamed the terrormachine)
That hit me the wrong way. like a fucking freight train.
WHAT THE HELL PEOPLE! they discontinued the Cutlass Supreme in like 1999 or something! You ignorant pricks! THEY AREN'T COMING BACK! The worst part was it was practically smogging up that suburb of Chicago all by itself with all the smoke coming out the tailpipes.
YOU NEED NEW HEAD GASKETS! AND AN OIL CHANGE WON"T HURT EITHER!
I bet they don't know that. They wouldn't deface a machine like a 3.4 liter Olds if they truly knew more about it. In 10 years it will be an antique.
THATS NOT CONCOURS READY DOUCHEBAGS!
My point is, we need to destroy rap. Lowriders were bad enough but when you donk out perfectly decent cars (you, in sterling with the GTO, your day is fast approaching) so you need a fucking stepladder to get in, that's where I draw the line.
This didn't happen before rap!
DID YOU ASSHOLES RUN OUT OF SUV'S?!
TOO SCARED TO TOUCH PICKUP TRUCKS!?
JUST STOP RUINING CARS!
those flashy-ass rims ruin your mileage.
those loud speakers scream Probable Cause.
that paintjob stands out in traffic,
AS WELL AS THE FACT THAT A COUPE IS SITTING AT THE SAME HEIGHT AS A RANGE ROVER!
I believe that rap should be removed/destroyed because it's trying too hard TO be noticed. the only way it gets out there is because everyone is shoving it in your face every day of the year. You watch VH1, and you see maybe one good video before it becomes "Young whatshisname" or "lil this and that" and you are getting donked out cars, epic parties, and big female asses in your face. It's trying too hard. It was better when it was mostly underground. It was better when it didn't sound all the same. one hit wonders. 50 cent came close to really making a name for himself. he's gone now, he can't even act really.
Metal, hard rock, alternative, hell, even pop can be diffused song for song. How do you guys even talk about that in public?
is there a way to tell song-from-song? or does it just mash into some blinding head throbbing noise with lyrics?
do you guys get my point?
They are crying out for individuality and they are ruining a lot of cars doing so.
Give up. play the blues. before you deface something else.
I can't believe I get to share breathable air with these people.
So, I figured I would actually rant about something.
Enough of my personal issues right?
DONKS.
Fun to say. not fun to look at.
For those not in the know, it's the opposite of a lowrider.
Take a 1989 Chevrolet Caprice. Kind of a gas guzzler.
+4 22" rims
+4 low profile tires
+1 idiotic paintjob in some obscure color.
+999,999,999,999 speakers
+2 Subwoofers
+1 shitty rap Cd, blasted at all times, even when there is a risk of disturbing the peace.
ALRIGHT. You get the point.
now get mine
WHAT
THE
FUCK
ARE
YOU DOING
TO
THESE ....
CARS!?!?!?!
It's a fucking luxury automobile! Putting obnoxiously huge rims (which, by the way, you have to shine 24/7 and probably cost more than the car,) filling the trunk with speakers and painting it the national colors of Jamaica will do what for you?
The ride is shit because after 2 inches of travel your low profile tires will rub your arches, and if you do it...oh I hesitate to say..."Right" you will tub your wheels out and make the car look fucking ridiculous, as if it doesn't already.
I saw a video, I posted it recently on Facebook, These guys donked out a pristine black 1995 Oldsmobile Cutlass Supreme SL.
(Owen owns a 1995 Cutlass Supreme SL, almost all stock, rims and tires, starter motor, random accessories from a 1992. Nicknamed the terrormachine)
That hit me the wrong way. like a fucking freight train.
WHAT THE HELL PEOPLE! they discontinued the Cutlass Supreme in like 1999 or something! You ignorant pricks! THEY AREN'T COMING BACK! The worst part was it was practically smogging up that suburb of Chicago all by itself with all the smoke coming out the tailpipes.
YOU NEED NEW HEAD GASKETS! AND AN OIL CHANGE WON"T HURT EITHER!
I bet they don't know that. They wouldn't deface a machine like a 3.4 liter Olds if they truly knew more about it. In 10 years it will be an antique.
THATS NOT CONCOURS READY DOUCHEBAGS!
My point is, we need to destroy rap. Lowriders were bad enough but when you donk out perfectly decent cars (you, in sterling with the GTO, your day is fast approaching) so you need a fucking stepladder to get in, that's where I draw the line.
This didn't happen before rap!
DID YOU ASSHOLES RUN OUT OF SUV'S?!
TOO SCARED TO TOUCH PICKUP TRUCKS!?
JUST STOP RUINING CARS!
those flashy-ass rims ruin your mileage.
those loud speakers scream Probable Cause.
that paintjob stands out in traffic,
AS WELL AS THE FACT THAT A COUPE IS SITTING AT THE SAME HEIGHT AS A RANGE ROVER!
I believe that rap should be removed/destroyed because it's trying too hard TO be noticed. the only way it gets out there is because everyone is shoving it in your face every day of the year. You watch VH1, and you see maybe one good video before it becomes "Young whatshisname" or "lil this and that" and you are getting donked out cars, epic parties, and big female asses in your face. It's trying too hard. It was better when it was mostly underground. It was better when it didn't sound all the same. one hit wonders. 50 cent came close to really making a name for himself. he's gone now, he can't even act really.
Metal, hard rock, alternative, hell, even pop can be diffused song for song. How do you guys even talk about that in public?
is there a way to tell song-from-song? or does it just mash into some blinding head throbbing noise with lyrics?
do you guys get my point?
They are crying out for individuality and they are ruining a lot of cars doing so.
Give up. play the blues. before you deface something else.
I can't believe I get to share breathable air with these people.
Why do I even title these anymore?!
Well, I'm tired
but every time I get ready to fall asleep my brain jolts me into doing something.
The human bladder is the bane of a good night's sleep.
FACT
when I get really tired I think in german. Kinda.
I'm probably as terrible at it as I am at Russian
get into full time lessons with miss Rosetta Stone. a good teacher indeed
I am falling into the belief that over the almost 20 years I have been alive, I have developed chronic headaches. I guess it's safe to say to be careful what you wish for.
I always remembered reading books where there are certain people who have certain handicaps, my favorite was the guy who had a limp because of a particularly painful rugby game.
I always wanted to be that guy. Don't ask why, but that is what appeals to me.
well, I get it, not a limp, but nasty headaches 24/7. Congrats bonehead.
Either way, I had a very good friend of mine convince me that thanks to knocking my head into the corner of a car door (smack on the left temple) I'm concussed. I believe it. I'm always taking some kinda damage to the head anyways. be it the girlfriend poking me in the eye. Random headbutts, random bike tire flying away incidents, random this and that, I'm sure I have these fun, all-day-every-day headaches.
I don't know what this means for any live performances of my music or what have you. My base audience (girlfriends mostly) comes and goes, and I created The Berkut to actually expand my audience.
Not that you people care. I'm 99% sure none of you are chomping at the bit waiting for my next release.
Ah, the joys of being an independent artist with no label and at the time of this post, 26 fans.
listen to me ramble on. I don't even know how many people read these posts.
here's an idea.
If you read this.
Send me a message or comment on one of my statuses saying
"John has a long mustache"
For those who haven't seen "The Longest Day"
Watch it.
I've run outta shit to type.
Just thought I'd let the world know that now I can blame my headaches on it.
because they will never ever stop.
ever.
bastard.
Actually, I can blame my headaches on pretty much anything huh.
oh my, excuse me. my evil is showing.
but every time I get ready to fall asleep my brain jolts me into doing something.
The human bladder is the bane of a good night's sleep.
FACT
when I get really tired I think in german. Kinda.
I'm probably as terrible at it as I am at Russian
get into full time lessons with miss Rosetta Stone. a good teacher indeed
I am falling into the belief that over the almost 20 years I have been alive, I have developed chronic headaches. I guess it's safe to say to be careful what you wish for.
I always remembered reading books where there are certain people who have certain handicaps, my favorite was the guy who had a limp because of a particularly painful rugby game.
I always wanted to be that guy. Don't ask why, but that is what appeals to me.
well, I get it, not a limp, but nasty headaches 24/7. Congrats bonehead.
Either way, I had a very good friend of mine convince me that thanks to knocking my head into the corner of a car door (smack on the left temple) I'm concussed. I believe it. I'm always taking some kinda damage to the head anyways. be it the girlfriend poking me in the eye. Random headbutts, random bike tire flying away incidents, random this and that, I'm sure I have these fun, all-day-every-day headaches.
I don't know what this means for any live performances of my music or what have you. My base audience (girlfriends mostly) comes and goes, and I created The Berkut to actually expand my audience.
Not that you people care. I'm 99% sure none of you are chomping at the bit waiting for my next release.
Ah, the joys of being an independent artist with no label and at the time of this post, 26 fans.
listen to me ramble on. I don't even know how many people read these posts.
here's an idea.
If you read this.
Send me a message or comment on one of my statuses saying
"John has a long mustache"
For those who haven't seen "The Longest Day"
Watch it.
I've run outta shit to type.
Just thought I'd let the world know that now I can blame my headaches on it.
because they will never ever stop.
ever.
bastard.
Actually, I can blame my headaches on pretty much anything huh.
oh my, excuse me. my evil is showing.
Saturday, October 2, 2010
Episode -insert episode number here- Owen Comes Clean.
man, let me be the first to tell you how strange it is to be single after all this time...looking through my youtube bookmarks to find something to listen to, I came across all the mushy stuff I listened to when it all meant something.
I don't realize that no matter how often I tell myself I won't do that, no matter how many times I vow to change, I continue to wedge my head as far up whatever girl I'm dating's ass at every opportunity.
To my friends, most of whom rarely talk to me anymore, if you read this, I'm sorry.
I'm not offing myself, so don't start fighting over who gets any of my guitars. You will all pawn them off or sell them anyways.
I wouldn't say I'm emotionally dependent on a girlfriend, I misdirected myself, and I tried to deduct a reason without all the information.
I'm emotionally dependent on people. I need interaction, as much as I try to play off as though I'm a lone wolf Rambo type who will sew his own wounds shut with needle and thread...That's truly not me. I come from the same lineage as my father, a bunch of roughnecks and mountain men, at least as close as you can come in modern society. I can survive by myself with the extremes this society perceives as extremes. They aren't extremes. Idiots.
I'm not touting myself as Bear Grylls and saying that if you throw me in a jungle with no food or water I will magically appear in civilization just fine and dandy. I'll do what I can but I'd probably end up as tiger shit.
I've kinda locked myself into a strange situation. Here I am, interested in...war...weapons...machines. And yet I really don't want to be alone. Solitude is great, but only if you are surrounded by people who make you want to be by yourself. being alone as a starting position changes things a bit. I figured I was emotionally dependent on a girlfriend because I always thought a girlfriend would be the one person who wouldn't hate to be around me, that she, of all people, wouldn't have to go home at some weird time, or that they wouldn't mind just sitting there existing, with me.
That's why I may move things too fast, for some in terms of relationships...potential girlfriends, listen up.
I hate being by myself. I have clarified that. I will do whatever I can to keep from being broken up with.
I have problems with abandonment. That's why I do everything I can to keep a girl with me, even when it seems positively hopeless to be with them. If a girl leaves me I automatically think that I am an unloveable pile of humanity, I offer to adjust, I offer whatever I can because I can't stand the thought of being by myself alone again. Being dumped kills me because I know that for almost every relationship I have been presented with, I know I am inadequate in some aspect of that relationship. I will fail somewhere and I know it.
Being in the relationship, I will do my best to make that relationship solid and airtight. It makes me feel better to know that I mean the same to this person as they do to me. This is usually seen as me being whipped, and honestly, go fuck yourself. I force myself to push my friends away in the hope that this girl will stay with me when I decide to be with my friends. It's akin to not leaving the room with your priceless chinese vase because you are afraid a freak draft will blow it off the shelf. I don't need to clear up the meaning behind that. I then fight with the girl to assure it's not that I don't trust her. I just don't trust the environment around her. I assure you, reader, that I'm being genuine. Who do I have to impress? I hate being this way, and I'm hoping it's something I grow out of, or just set aside. Please, potential girlfriend, however many days or months or years you are away from the morning I am typing this. (thank you mom, for the coffee.) Don't let this push you away, I'm a good guy. I have a lot of qualities that are preferable in a relationship. Christ. Listen to me. I'm now trying to win over my readers after telling them I'm basically a terrible boyfriend.
to all my past loves, I'm sorry you all had to see this side of me. I'm 99% sure that wasn't what you were expecting. Even worse that you didn't know beforehand. I hope you all can see it in yourselves to forgive me. I told you, it's always my fault. I also hope that all of us can stay friends. I need people who know me around. They are increasingly harder to find....
To my potential loves. Banish the preceding paragraph from your memory. Nothing to see there. you read (this is the read pronounced "red") me. just in those paragraphs there. Assure me that I'm of value to you. Don't treat me like the ground I walk on is holy, just let me know that you genuinely care about me, and, better yet, all the fun stuff I'm interested in. (that was sarcasm, I'd totally be fine with letting you fake it)
Actually, all of you can forget that whole thing if you want. It's just an epiphany that started as a facebook post. If it stayed that, you woulda forgotten it in an hour. you are forgiven.
Owen.
I don't realize that no matter how often I tell myself I won't do that, no matter how many times I vow to change, I continue to wedge my head as far up whatever girl I'm dating's ass at every opportunity.
To my friends, most of whom rarely talk to me anymore, if you read this, I'm sorry.
I'm not offing myself, so don't start fighting over who gets any of my guitars. You will all pawn them off or sell them anyways.
I wouldn't say I'm emotionally dependent on a girlfriend, I misdirected myself, and I tried to deduct a reason without all the information.
I'm emotionally dependent on people. I need interaction, as much as I try to play off as though I'm a lone wolf Rambo type who will sew his own wounds shut with needle and thread...That's truly not me. I come from the same lineage as my father, a bunch of roughnecks and mountain men, at least as close as you can come in modern society. I can survive by myself with the extremes this society perceives as extremes. They aren't extremes. Idiots.
I'm not touting myself as Bear Grylls and saying that if you throw me in a jungle with no food or water I will magically appear in civilization just fine and dandy. I'll do what I can but I'd probably end up as tiger shit.
I've kinda locked myself into a strange situation. Here I am, interested in...war...weapons...machines. And yet I really don't want to be alone. Solitude is great, but only if you are surrounded by people who make you want to be by yourself. being alone as a starting position changes things a bit. I figured I was emotionally dependent on a girlfriend because I always thought a girlfriend would be the one person who wouldn't hate to be around me, that she, of all people, wouldn't have to go home at some weird time, or that they wouldn't mind just sitting there existing, with me.
That's why I may move things too fast, for some in terms of relationships...potential girlfriends, listen up.
I hate being by myself. I have clarified that. I will do whatever I can to keep from being broken up with.
I have problems with abandonment. That's why I do everything I can to keep a girl with me, even when it seems positively hopeless to be with them. If a girl leaves me I automatically think that I am an unloveable pile of humanity, I offer to adjust, I offer whatever I can because I can't stand the thought of being by myself alone again. Being dumped kills me because I know that for almost every relationship I have been presented with, I know I am inadequate in some aspect of that relationship. I will fail somewhere and I know it.
Being in the relationship, I will do my best to make that relationship solid and airtight. It makes me feel better to know that I mean the same to this person as they do to me. This is usually seen as me being whipped, and honestly, go fuck yourself. I force myself to push my friends away in the hope that this girl will stay with me when I decide to be with my friends. It's akin to not leaving the room with your priceless chinese vase because you are afraid a freak draft will blow it off the shelf. I don't need to clear up the meaning behind that. I then fight with the girl to assure it's not that I don't trust her. I just don't trust the environment around her. I assure you, reader, that I'm being genuine. Who do I have to impress? I hate being this way, and I'm hoping it's something I grow out of, or just set aside. Please, potential girlfriend, however many days or months or years you are away from the morning I am typing this. (thank you mom, for the coffee.) Don't let this push you away, I'm a good guy. I have a lot of qualities that are preferable in a relationship. Christ. Listen to me. I'm now trying to win over my readers after telling them I'm basically a terrible boyfriend.
to all my past loves, I'm sorry you all had to see this side of me. I'm 99% sure that wasn't what you were expecting. Even worse that you didn't know beforehand. I hope you all can see it in yourselves to forgive me. I told you, it's always my fault. I also hope that all of us can stay friends. I need people who know me around. They are increasingly harder to find....
To my potential loves. Banish the preceding paragraph from your memory. Nothing to see there. you read (this is the read pronounced "red") me. just in those paragraphs there. Assure me that I'm of value to you. Don't treat me like the ground I walk on is holy, just let me know that you genuinely care about me, and, better yet, all the fun stuff I'm interested in. (that was sarcasm, I'd totally be fine with letting you fake it)
Actually, all of you can forget that whole thing if you want. It's just an epiphany that started as a facebook post. If it stayed that, you woulda forgotten it in an hour. you are forgiven.
Owen.
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